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Dog Jokes

How you tell who is the most faithful, your dog or your wife/husband/partner? (PC kicking in here!). Lock them both in the boot of your car for an hour, and see which one is pleased to see you when you let them out!

How many Mastiffs does it take to change a light bulb? None, Mastiffs are not afraid of the dark.

A dog tried to hump a cabbage; he thought it was a cauli!

There was a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad minton!

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? Any kind of bloodhound!

Man to dog handler: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner." Dog trainer: "That's OK, he IS a Boxer!"

If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

A burglar broke into a house one Christmas Eve looking for presents while the family were out. He shined his torch around, looking, when a voice in the dark said,"Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze.

  • When he heard nothing more , after a while, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
  • Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
  • "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
  • The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? And who are you?" "Moses." replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
  • "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus......."
  • A dog with 3 legs goes into a pub. The barman asks if he can help him. The dog replies,"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!!"

    Upon entering a pet shop, a customer noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog people are supposed to beware of?" "Yes, that's him," he replied. The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

    Two men were walking down a street when they saw a dog lying on a lawn licking his "bits". Man one said, "I wish I could do that!" Man two replied, "You'd better see if you can pet him first!"

    Why do we dogs lick our bums? Because we know that we'll be licking your face five minutes later!!

    I knew a dog that could make things in metal. When his owner kicked him up the behind he made a bolt for the door!

    Did you hear about the flea that won the lottery? He bought a dog in the south of France!

    A man enters a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker at one of the tables. He asks the barman, "Is that dog really playing poker"? "Oh! yes, it's a regular game every night", the barman replies. "Well, that must be a really clever dog!", says the man. "Oh, he isn't so clever", says the barman, "Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

    The Ultimate Dog Tease

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